Thoughts of Rachel

Having a miscarriage has been really hard to deal with. Rich and I were joking a few weeks ago that we have not had any real tragedies in our marriage. We have yet to have any major illness or a death. And this happens. We get so cocky in our own invisibility and for me in our fertility. We started telling people we were pregnant the day after we took the test. We did not wait at all. A few women even questioned me,"I can't believe that you are telling people already." To which I replied, "Oh we are fine, trust me. No one in my family has ever had a miscarriage. My mom had ten healthy babies in twelve years. I tried for a combined total of 2 months for all three of my pregnancies. Trust me we will be fine." I was so cocky that the mere thought of losing the baby was not something that ever crossed my mind.

Then how when I found the smallest trace of blood did I know what it meant. I remember sitting in the bathroom thinking "I am losing this baby." I had almost no pain and almost no blood, but I knew what was happening before the Dr said anything. Rich was at work while all of this was happening and I called a friend to come over and give me a blessing and in the blessing he did not say anything about the baby being healthy and safe, but talked about me and me being okay and my heart being strong.

Do I regret having told people that I was pregnant so early, not really. I dont have to explain why I sit in church in cry, or why I missed work. People understand why I am not quite myself. Hopefully people aren't taking it personally that I have not returned any calls in about a week. There are people who understand what am I going through and let me just cry or talk or can just distract me.

So what am I thankful for this year. EVERYTHING. I am thankful that Rich is my husband and he is the one I went through this with. I am thankful for Roxy who misses the baby and tells me if we have another baby not to give it to Jesus. I am thankful for Roscoe who is a constant distraction from my own head. I am thankful for Melissa and my mom whose first instinct was to fly out here and be with me but instead just let me blubber on the phone. I am thankful for Babbi who took my kids trick or treating so that Rich could be with me in the hospital. I am thankful that I lost the baby early enough that I did not have to go through any painful procedures. I am thankful for my siblings understanding why I have still not talked to them. I am thankful for the church that I go to whose beliefs let this whole thing be easier because I know that this was done with a purpose.

I am still sad and I think that I will be for a while. Like when I forget that I lost the baby and start thinking about the things we needed to buy. Or when I find those couple of maternity tops that I bought and don't know what to do with now. I am sad, but I know that I will get through this. I know that I am going to be okay.